As each day brings me closer to my 15 year anniversary, I can’t help but to be amazed at our CRAZY journey! In yesterday’s blog, I shared some of our story and the struggles that we have had along the way. We have been through some excruciatingly painful times and yet, we have managed to endure them together. I sometimes jokingly say that the only thing that has saved us is the fact that neither of us gave up on the same day! But in all sincerity, what has saved our marriage is the foundation on which we built it.

God.

I know it sounds simplistic and honestly, it is. It’s just that sometimes we make it more complicated than it has to be. When the storms were raging, we knew there was a solid Rock on which we could stand. Through our turbulent, trying, and transforming times, I have learned a lot about what makes a strong, happy, healthy, and thriving marriage.

Here is what I have discovered as my husband and I make plans to happily celebrate 15 years of marriage.

Love Wholly and Vulnerably:  It just isn’t possible to have a happy and healthy marriage without giving your whole heart. And yes, that does make you vulnerable. But that’s ok.  I have discovered that my husband needs to feel like I love him like there is no tomorrow. He needs to know without any shadow of doubt that he is the first priority in my life (after God, of course). He needs my entire heart without any conditions. Due to a lot of hurt and abuse prior to getting married, I was hesitant to give my entire heart away again. Those who had been closest to me had caused me a lot of pain & grief. So I entered into our marriage with my guard up. And as is bound to happen in any marriage, there were things that my husband did that hurt, so I felt justified in keeping my line of protection up. But I was wrong. A healthy marriage requires both people to love with passionate and irrational abandon.

Cultivate Your Marriage:  Marriage can be compared to a garden. It has to be cultivated in order to grow. We don’t plant seeds in the ground and then just expect to grow a garden without ever tending to it (well, maybe I do, but my inability to grow anything green is a subject for another day).  Just like a garden needs to be looked after, so do our vows. We must nurture our marriage. We need to water it with love, gratitude, appreciation, grace, attention, and kindness on a regular basis. When we see ugly thorns of discontent, casualness, spite, rudeness or pride begin to pop up, it’s imperative that we uproot them right away. Just like weeds will choke the life out of a plant, they will do the same to your marriage. Don’t allow problems to fester or for negativity to take root, they do serious damage. 

Listen to the Heart, Not just the Words: How many times have a flown off the handle because I didn’t like how or what my husband said to me? I’m not referring to him speaking disrespectfully to me. I’m speaking of those times where my pride, ego, and control issues got in the way of me truly hearing the heart of what my husband was saying. I know that my husband loves me unequivocally. And I know that he is on my side and always is trying to protect me and only wants the best for me. In those moments when my emotions are messing with my auditory processing, I have learned to let my heart be my guide. I know that my husband never sets out to hurt my feelings and his heart is always beating for me.

Leave the Temper Tantrums to the Toddlers:  I don’t have big, loud, snotty tantrums anymore, but I can inject a giant needle filled with Silent Treatment better than anybody! Whether your tantrums are big or small, quiet or loud, short or long lived, they need to go. Just like it’s a behavior we worked to extinguish in our children as quickly as possible, we need to attack the adult ones with just as much gusto. The manipulation and control which are usually behind the “tantrum” are serious “happy marriage” killers. First of all, it can’t always be about you and what you want. Get over yourself. Second, if you really have an issue that you need to discuss, learn to communicate fairly and respectfully. Though my husband and I are trained in effective communication, it can still trip us up with each other. Our marriage has grown leaps and bounds since we have practiced being more transparent and authentic in our communication. We have also discovered that taking a walk or drive together opens up us to better discussions. And while the saying is “never let the sun go down on your anger”, we have learned sometimes it’s ok to go to bed upset. A good night of sleep and a clear head can do wonders to improve communication.

Pray with, and for, your spouse:  When we first got married, my prayers used to go something like this “God, you need to do something about my husband. He needs to change in X,Y, & Z area. Why can’t he just do things this certain (meaning “my”) way? How much longer before you make him be, talk, & act, the way I want him to?” Now, I am exaggerating (slightly  😳 ). When the bible says we are called to pray for our husband, we are meant to pray a covering of protection over him, to pray for his strength, his purpose, his spiritual walk, etc. Our desire should be that our husband become everything that God has called him to be, not everything we think he should be. The most wonderful thing about praying for your husband is not only will it change him, it will change you more and it will cause you to see your husband as never before. And praying with your husband will keep you connected on a deeper and more spiritual level.

I hope you will join me tomorrow for Part 2 of this topic. I’ll be sharing the final 5 keys to grow a happy marriage.