Anxious. Torn. Uncertain. Terrified. Ashamed. There I stand on the ledge. Wanting to jump but suddenly my legs feel like lead & I can’t move. Hating the fear that I’m feeling inside – the fear that is keeping me paralyzed in this precarious position. Seeking a relief, but distressed by the decision that will get me there. Desperate for a change, but panic-stricken over the price that I think I’m going to have to pay.

 

I cry out “Lord, I want to follow you but I’m not sure if I’m brave enough.”

 

Roll back to January of 2010 – I told God that my only “resolution” was my resolve to do what He called me to do. Over the past few years I feel like I’ve taken some substantial steps (for me). I joined the choir at church, even though I prefer to worship quietly in the back. I’ve started sharing my personal story, even though it’s excruciatingly emotional every time. I’ve extended forgiveness at a level that I didn’t think I was capable of. Shucks, I even adopted a 12 year child from an orphanage!

Isn’t that enough? 

 

But even as I ask the question, I already know the answer. The small, patient Voice says, “No. I am requiring more of you.” So, here I am on the ledge. Knowing the step that is being requested of me, but pretending that I’m not really sure. Knowing that I cannot continue with the sleepless nights, the uneasy days, the grumpy disposition, while my steps falter because I can’t see what lies on the other side of my decision.

 

And then the words of my coach came back to me. “Ilesha, do you want to be different? Do you really want to make an impact? Do you really want to accomplish the things that you said you believe God wants to do? It’s not enough to tell other people what the Bible says. You can’t get too far just speaking the Word but not authentically living it out in your own life. You can’t just be a hearer & a teller, you have to be a doer. You can’t lead people where you are not willing to go yourself.”

 

And while she didn’t actually say the word. What begin to reverberate louder and louder in my already overburdened mind was HYPOCRITE. HYPOCRITE. Are you going to be a HYPOCRITE? Is your life of faith going to real or is it going to be fake?

 

So there it was. The raw, painful truth of the matter. I have done talks and written articles and posted blogs and coached and counseled people about faith, and trusting God, and “doing it afraid”, and getting out the boat.  But when it came down to my own life, my own walk, my own BIG decision to make, I was seated squarely and firmly in the boat refusing the call to get up and step out and TRUST in the One who was calling me.

 

This stepping out wasn’t just about an act of obedience, it was much deeper than that. It was about letting go of strongholds from my past which were weighing me down. It was a call to release my desperate need to control which was the result of living a life that was so out of control as a child. It was a challenge to no longer need to have a Plan A, a Plan B, a Plan C and a safety net all in place. It was about truly being FREE in Christ.

 

And as I cried out again, doubting my ability to be brave enough. God simply replied, “I don’t need you to be brave, I only need you to believe.” And with that, I jumped. 

 

And the flood of unexpected blessings and breakthroughs in our home has been grand! And while I still don’t fully know “the plan”, I am confident in His plan which He shares so clearly in Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the  Lord , “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

 

And for the first time in my life, that’s all the “safety net” that I need. All the worldly and material things & titles that I had worked so hard to amass as a cocoon for myself have been laid aside. There has been a stripping away of the protective shell and what has burst forth is what I was always created to be.  I am happier, more fulfilled, more content, and more FREE than I have ever been.  And I am excitedly looking forward to the ministry service that God has in store for me.

 

Stay tuned . . .the rest of the story has yet to be written.

 

Take away tweetable:  When we believe, breakthroughs happen!

 

 I’d love to hear your thoughts on this. What would you do if fear were not a factor? What is it that you know that God is calling you to do? If you have already stepped out in a big way, please share the “how & what happened.”